What the crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea where to even begin...Lets just say that I feel like the ugliest person in the world who is this sad pathetic loser who can't get what she wants or yearns for. I know I will probably get calls about this but I really don't care it is my blog and I will say what I want. First off, all my life I have been told it shouldn't matter what you look like on the outside. It is what is on the inside that counts. One word. CRAP!!! People are so superficial that they can't look past the outside. All they see is fat, thinness, or scars, or whatever there might be on the surface. They don't want to take the time getting to know someone. If I went by looks alone I wouldn't have met some of the wonderful people who are in my life. People who have what they want have no clue to what those of us that are struggling for it go through. I know they have struggles of their own but still. They don't know what it feels like to be passed over for the person standing next to them. The person who is prettier then them. They don't know what it is like to feel like they don't matter. Even my brothers have made comments about my singleness. Here they are either married, engaged or dating and their older sister is nothing. I hate feeling like this. I hate knowing that there is a possiblity that it will never happen for me. I hate having a leader, a person I look up to, tell me that maybe if I cut my hair guys would be more interested. That is just like telling me, " Oh your too fat for me or your too ugly I don't want to be seen with you." Thanks for that. Like I don't already feel that way. I know it is wrong to feel so insecure about these things but seriously, everywhere I turn it turns into the same thing. I don't want people to feel guilty I just want them to look past the outside. Is that too much to ask. I even went to a Single Adult activity and put myself out there to no help. Sometimes I feel like being LDS is what makes everything harder. I sometimes think that if I wasn't things would be alot different. But then I know that I would feel like something is missing. I would have a whole different load of problems. I am working on reaching my goals, my weight, my education, my life, my health, but sometimes when things like this happen I feel like it isn't worth it. I feel like I am lower then the dirt on someones shoe. Why do I let things like this get to me? I was born that way. I was born with compassion for others. I was raised to look past the outer wall of a person. Well there it is people, the thoughts in my heart as of right now. If you are going to stomp please be gentle.

For the Love of

So I already knew that Monday was going to be the crappiest day because I was tired, hate my job, and didn't really want to get up. So once I get to work I discover that one of the CNA's decided that she too didn't want to come to work and blamed it on not having a car, problem solved someone said they would come and get her. Next excuse, her babysitter didn't want to watch her kids. So here we are starting the day off a person short. Then around 6:45am I get a call from the Larimer County Sheriffs office stating that they had just gotten a 911 call from a resident who knows where they live. They wanted to know if everything was ok. They said that he requested an ambulance because he had the poopies. She asked if he was confused. Instead of laughing at this dispatcher I told her that she needed to talk to his nurse. Of course this resident is confused. He wanted an ambulance to take him to the hospital for having the poopies. Here is a great idea, don't give people who are a little crazy cell phones. I am just saying.

On Saturday night I was shown a totally awesome and delicious way to drink hot chocolate. First you make the hot chocolate then you take a thin mint bite off a tiny part of one side and then another tiny part on the opposite side and then put it in the hot chocolate and suck on the cookie like a straw. After you get a drink you need to hurry up and put the cookie in your mouth and let me just say that it is heavenly. Whoever thought of that is a pure genius.

Let the hissy fit begin

So all four of us kids and my sister-in-law decided that we were not going to tell our mom about our dad's upcoming re-marriage. We didn't know how she would take it and with everything that she has been through we didn't want to add to the stress. It was a good decision. We even kept her busy when he had her visiting two weeks ago. We made sure that while they were at church they didn't see eachother. Their wards overlap a bit so there was that possibility. Well that entire plan got blown to poopie do. We went to my brother and his fiancee's house and after dinner we were sitting around talking and Megan just started talking, " I am going to tell you something that no one wants to tell you." All eyes got big daggers were thrown to get her to shut up. My first thought was great she is pregnant and they have to move the wedding up. But oh no she says this, " Curtis is getting remarried on October 9 to a women named Marion who lives in Alamosa. They have known each other for a while." We thought mom's head was going to explode. Nope all she said was that poor women. Ha!! She said that she was happy that he will be out of her life and that she can truly feel safe. Crap if we had known that we would have told her sooner. My mom actually knows this women. The reason for the October 9 date is because it is both of their birthdays. Kind of stupid if you ask me. She said that their mom's know eachother and that they grew up together. Some info I got from Megan about Marion is that she is a professor at Adams State College. Darn good thing I decided not to go there. Dad still wants us to go to his wedding but with Casey and Megan's on the 11th we probably won't be able to. You know we have the bachelorette/Bachelor parties, the rehearsal dinner, other more fun activities to partake in. It is a toss up.

Can the floor just open and suck me in?

So today I was shopping and was standing looking at cards when my stupid phone rang for the billionth time. Wait lets back up a bit. So standing in the card aisle looking at cards of course I noticed right next to me the hottest of all hotties standing there. He looked like he had just gotten off the greek god express. Tall dark hair gorgeous blue eyes that you could just swim in and his build, oh his build. Had me all twitter pated that's for sure. When all of the sudden my phone rang. Not a bad thing to happen but when your ringtone is, "Someday my prince will come." you just wish the floor would open up and swallow you whole. I kinda chuckled silenced it and walked rather quickly away. I need to find a new ringtone so this doesn't happen again.

Whatever

So yesterday I went to my first single adult valentine dinner/dance. All I can say about it is that the food was good and it was funny to watch the older singles dance to music that was obviously not from their generation. I did the required dress up and I looked good. But when it came time for the dancing did anyone ask me? That would be a big fat NO!!! I was fresh meat for petes sake. Did I smell funny? Did I look funny? Not even the guys I knew asked. Well one left because he doesn't like dancing but the other two? I get that they were meeting new people but man one dance was all. At one point I felt stupid and pathetic that I just decided to go home. At least at home... I hate going to things that are out of my comfort zone. I know I should have asked someone to dance but some of us know how hard it was for me to ask someone out on a date. Eventhough we all know that they would say yes. I still felt loserish. (that is a word in April's dictionary!) (hah spell check didn't even tag it so it must be a word)

I got my taxes filed yesterday. My brother came over and we filed them for free online. I get money back I am so excited. It only took about 45 minutes. I will have the money in my hot hand in 3-4 weeks. Yeah. I haven't decided if I am going to buy an HD TV or a laptop. I would probably get more use out of the HD TV then the laptop but then on the laptop I could journal. Not like this but personal stuff. I do journal every week at church and then if I need to finish thoughts and whatnot I do at home.

I am so excited about being in the cast of Savior of the World. Even in the rehearsals you can feel the spirit. It is just so...

Put me out of my misery

These past few days have been a killer. I had a three day weekend off so that should be good but it was so jam packed with things it was crazy. Friday night dad called and said that he wanted me to meet Marion. Who is Marion you might ask. It is the women he is marrying on October 9, 2008. (oh it is his birthday.) I only found out about this women less then a week ago and he said that he wanted us to meet her but it wouldn't be for awhile. Then out of the blue he calls and says that she is in town for the weekend. WHAT!!! I had plans Friday night. I was going to an activity at church. It was called Speed dating but was later turned into speed friendshipping. Yup speed friendshipping. It was fun. Dad then told me to call him Saturday when I had time to come and meet her. Then Saturday morning I had rehearsal. It ran late but it is getting down to the wire and things need to be happening quickly. After that was the Broadcast then after that mom and I did out Wal-Mart shopping. Needless to say I didn't call. Sunday was church. He called right in the middle of Relief Society. I called back after church. He said that she already left. They went to church and then she went back to her home in Alamosa. The only one of us kids that met her was Casey and that was only because he was broadsided. He went to dad's house to get something and didn't even know she was there until it was too late. His first response was not good. When he told me about her he said that she was chubby, short, had shaved eyebrows that were then colored in with pencil and that she was hit multiple times with the ugly stick. My dad tends to go for the ladies that have no self-respect and need taken care of. They have no idea what they are in for. They don't know about the years of emotional and mental abuse that this man dishes out without a blink of an eye. I never wanted to believe it but then once he started doing it to me I realized that it had been going on for quite awhile. My eyes are wide open. I just feel sorry for Marion. He wants me to come to his temple wedding. Right now I am leaning towards no. On Monday I went to Boulder to have lunch with some friends because a training got cancelled and I had already made the plans to meet up. It was good. The weather however was nuts. The wind was blowing so freaking hard, it got cloudy, snowed, stopped snowing, got sunshiny but still the wind still blew like mad. I went into Wal-Mart long enough to get a printer cartridge and when I came out it was a white out. About an hour later the sun was out and the stupid wind was still blowing. Then later that night was FHE. The box dinner. It was fun. Met the green eyed monster there too.

Things not to do

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you tried something? Just kidding. This is what happened in the last 24 hours. 1. Ate a bunch of candy hearts before going to bed and thought I was going to die from a stomach ache. Holy cow. 2. I chug-a-lugged a thing of chocolate milk. Every smell made my tummy turn. They were cooking fish because it is Friday and they have fish (or so they say it is fish) and the smell was bad. I made a comment at how it never bothered me before but today it did . Just drank my chocolate milk too fast and made my tummy hurt. I already figured out that if I eat ice cream before I go to bed I have the weirdest dreams.

Ow and cute

After last weeks visit to my primary care provider I was instructed that I needed to have some blood work done. No biggie. So since I had today off I got up and dressed and headed to the blood suckers. When I got there I was prepaired to pay but since my doctor requested it I didn't have to. So that is and extra $55 that stays in my pocket. Once I got back there I rolled up my sleeve and this lady tied that elastic band thingy around my arm. Then she started pushing and poking trying to find a vein. Hello there is one right there. Can't you see it. It is right under the skin and is bulging. Use that one. Nope, had to roll up my other sleeve. The process of poking and pushing began again. When she found one that she thought was good she cleaned the area, dried it off, and then stuck in the needle. I have had blood drawn alot in my life due to being an accident prone child but the needle she used was HUGE I tell you. Usually I don't even feel it when they stick it in. This time I did. Not only did she have to fill up one vile she had to fill up three rather large ones and then a small one. After all the blood they took she didn't even offer me a cookie or juice or anything. I was told not to eat 10-12 hours prior to the draw. I thought I was going to pass out. After she put the cotton ball on my arm she had me take it away and it was still bleeding. So she taped it down and sent me on my way. My arm now hurts to bend. It is going to be bruised I just know it.

After that adventure I went out to Centerra and looked for some shoes. I found some really cute ones. I needed some new shoes but I couldn't ever find any that we adult appropriat. All the ones that I found were like I was twelve. But these ones are perfect. They are comfortable and they have traction on them so I don't biff it because I can still be a tad accident prone. All in all it was worth getting poked because I rewarded myself with a new pair of totally cute shoes.

What can I do?

So today I had a meeting and left it throughly confused. I know that some of the stuff he told me was stuff I really needed to hear but then when I asked him something he gave me a cryptic confusing answer. He asked me about my personal relationships. Enter blank stare here. I asked my personal relationships? As in dating or family? He said dating. I told him about my date yesterday and he asked some other questions and then gave me the cryptic counsel. What?! Then he asked who I was interested in and I told him and he said that they were all good choices. He said they were good men. I guess I just need to trust.

Later I was told something that caused a little twinge. This person stated that they didn't want me to be mad and I am not mad by any means. It just poked. I don't want to lose another guy to a friend. But if I do I guess I will have to get over it. I got through it once I can get through it again. This friend deserves to be happy too. This person was given a task and they need to complete it and report. I am at a loss.

What a week

This week started off ok. I got up went to work on Monday, came home and did nothing but veg out. Woke up Tuesday felt like crap and still had to go to work. While there I experienced lightheadedness, hot flash and then a whopper of a migraine. How did those come to me you ask? My stupid stressful job. Yup, it was bad. My nurse told me to sit down so she could take my blood pressure. 130/100 not good. So I sat there for a little while longer and then it got to the point where I had to get back to work. No one else was going to dress my residents and get them to breakfast. After breakfast the nurse took it again. 140/110 really not good. So on my break I went to call my doctor to get an appointment. She couldn't get me in until Friday afternoon. So I made the appointment.

On Wednesday afternoon I went to the Urgent Care to get treated for a sinus infection. Those are awful. She gave me some antibiotics and some very NICE cough syrup. This cough syrup has codeine in it. It knocks me out cold. Later that night we were on our way to Chorale and I tried to stay awake. I really did. I slept the entire way down. It was snowing so hard I wished that we had turned around. We didn't of course. We kept on going. We ended up having to use a GPS unit to tell us where our turn was. We get there and it had been cancelled. Well thanks so much for telling us. I tried really hard to stay awake for the drive home but failed again. I woke up startled because we were turning a corner rather fast so I thought we were spinning. The last time I had my eyes open was when there was alot of snow on the ground. I honestly thought we were spinning out of control. They just laughed at me.

Thursday came and went. We didn't go to voice lessons because I was still stuffed up and really didn't feel like singing. While sitting watching TV my dad calls and lays something so upsetting on me I wanted to hang up on him. He told me that he was thinking about getting remarried. My parents haven't even been divorced for 6 months yet. I while back he asked me what I thought about him dating and I said to do whatever makes him happy. Boy am I kicking myself now. All he told me was that he met this girl who lives in Alamosa. No name, no age, nothing. For all I knew I could expect to have a step-mother 2-3 years older then me. I finally had to flat out ask if she had any children. She has three. Two sons and a daughter. Like I need more brothers, I am perfectly happy with the three I've got. He also said that he was going to sell the house and move to Alamosa. Good luck. See you when you come to visit because I won't be driving the 6 hours to see you. I was so pissed off that I couldn't sleep. Even my coma inducing cough syrup didn't work. We as the four children of our parents have decided not to tell mom because we don't want to see her hurt. (Although she says she isn't ready to date a co-worker nudged her when another hospital employee was checking her out as he walked by.)


Friday came and had to work. We were short a person so I had more residents then I normally would. I hate days like that. After work I went to the doctors and we discussed my family history of high blood pressure. Mom, dad, grandma. So the first thing she did was tell me she needed to get an EKG. My first thought was, " I want my mommy!" I know I am an adult and can go to the doctors alone but when she said EKG it freaked me out. She gave me a gown and told me to strip from the waist up. That is different usually it is the other way around. Any who moving on. Oh forgot to mention she said to have the opening in the front. So after doing that the MA came in and hooked me up to the machine. Talk about personal space. Two stickies went on my legs one on each arm and then a couple more around my heart area. Word of advice to people attaching anything to anyones bare skin. WARM UP YOUR HANDS BEFORE YOU GO TOUCHING!!!!! I had to lay still for a few minutes and then she went to show the doctor the results and then I was unattached. At that point I could get dressed. I am not a fan of being naked partially or fully in front of anyone. Doctor or not. I lock the bathroom door when I am in the shower even when I am the only one home. After getting dressed my doctor came back in and told me that she wanted me to get some blood work done. So this Wednesday while I am off I am going to get it done. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate going to the doctors? I do.

Saturday, oh what a blessed day. Didn't have to work. Bonus points for that. I went to my Savior of the World rehearsal, watched President Hinckley's funeral, and went on a date. The rehearsal was awesome. I am so greatful to be a part of something so wonderful. The spirit that I feel each week is so much. The story it tells and the feelings of it is beyond words. After that we came home and watch President Hinckley's funeral. What a great man he was. I didn't cry until the end when the MoTab was singing the closing song and they were showing clips of him throughout the years. What a blessing it was to have him as my Prophet. After that was my date. All I am going to say is that I had a very enjoyable time. I enjoyed spending time with this person and getting to know him a little better and his interests. And this date ended in a hug.